It makes you scream, laugh,
cry happy tears, cry overwhelmed tears, cry for no reason at all.
It's go, go, go from sun up til sun down...and a lot of the time, in between.
There's moments that you never want to end, and moments that you can't wait to end.
It can make you feel on top of the world, and on the bottom.
There's just nothing else like it.
I was so unprepared to be a mother...and then ready for number 2...and then more than unprepared for 3. The past 3 years have been amazing and so overwhelming. We've been married 4 years, and there just hasn't been a break or ever a time to be newlyweds. It's been up and down and yet so fulfilling.
I know we'll never be perfect, and that we all lose it from time to time. But sometimes, I really wonder what Heavenly Father was doing sending me 3 so close in a row. I want to be able to be patient and give them each the time they deserve. It's so hard sometimes when all 3 want my attention. I want to be the mom they deserve, and a lot of the time I fall short. I have my good days and bad. I've cried many tears over this..on feeling inadequate, on yelling more than I should, on wanting to just jump in the car and drive away to get a break, on missing my body and feeling ugly, missing being able to just jump in the car and go to the gym, or shopping whenever I want, on wanting time alone with my husband, on needing to sleep straight for a month...and on and on. And then I cry because I feel guilty over throwing a pity party when so many people I love can't have children. I know I am extremely blessed to have children..and so easily, even when I'm on birth control. I am so grateful, and even though I throw these pity parties from time to time - these 3 little kids make me happier than I've ever been. That's why Motherhood can make you feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It's the most rewarding thing, and pushes you to your limits. It's amazing how a little coo from Kinley can just melt my heart and I can stare at her forever watching her smile and make faces...such a simple thing, but so rewarding. I have such 3 fun stages right now, and it's stressful, but it's amazing how each one makes me appreciate the others. Going from holding Mason to Kinley keeps her a baby longer and I'm able to appreciate and stay in the moment of her being so small. Otherwise they grow so fast and you miss that infant stage. But I get to savor each stage when I get to compare them to each other right now.
It's so hard to not watch others and compare yourself. There's moms I look at that make it look so easy. They always look amazing, they have a clean house, they go shopping and their kids are quiet, they just seem to have it all figured out. Maybe I'll get to that point someday. One thing I've learned along the way is to take it one day at a time. There will always be things each day that will stress us out, but to step back and focus on the little things. We can only do our best, and for me right now, I'm surviving. We'll soon have a permanent job, house and life can calm down for us. Until then, I keep repeating Hilary Week's song, " Believe in what you're doing, Believe in who you are...and hold tight, to the truth, that you're a Daughter of God..Believe in who you're becoming, believe in who you are."
1 comment:
Mindy - I seriously don't know how you do it! I had three 6 and under and it was an out of control tornado for about 6 months until I felt like I'd figured it out. Hang in there! And don't feel guilt! Kill the guilt! I have to struggle with guilt over enjoying having one kid (while at the same time wanting more)! Women are suckers for guilt! And it's okay to struggle and not like parts of what you're going through :-)
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