Wow...what a week. As bad as it has been, I've learned a lot. It sounds cheesy, but I need to write it down, before I forget the things I've felt since this is my journal:)
May is Chris's 1 year mark here. I moved down to join him in August. We were both excited for this move, but sad to leave family. Luckily, we moved into a ward that we have loved and have made some great friends. There are so many girls in this ward that I look up to and respect. Such great friends that I've been able to lean on and help me with my kids. It's been good for me to be here, where I've been learning how to do all this Motherhood stuff by myself. One such friend left a bag with a gift, muffins and card at my door today. It made me cry. Thank you for thinking of me when you have a million other things going on in your life! Thank you for reminding me that even during such a hard couple days, that we're not alone. Another dear friend that is watching Addy today so I can get some rest..thank you a million times over for always being there.
But this week Mason and Kinley had pink eye..and I've had the sickness from h*!!. It was SO hard to not be able to ask anyone for help. I didn't want to risk anyone else getting pink eye. It's one thing to take care of sick kids when you're healthy, but it was so hard yesterday when it hurt to stand up, and move. I was nauseous, body aches, sinus headache, and then in the afternoon I got a migraine that had me curled up in the bathroom throwing up, crying and not being able to open my eyes and move. I finally was able to get some medicine out of the kitchen and then I was on my knees praying. I was pleading for help, and mercy. I could NOT feel that way the rest of the day until Chris got home at 7. I was so homesick to be home where my Mom and Mother-in-law would be over in a heartbeat. (please don't feel bad!) Anyway, this is why I'm grateful for this experience that I don't want to repeat.
I was forced to get on my knees and pray for help. I'm so slow to do this, and always want to do things on my own without my Savior's help. I cried and cried. I begged for forgiveness for being so stubborn. I prayed for strength to get up and finish this day. I had children who needed me to come get them, and I couldn't do it on my own. I am grateful for the things I felt and learned in that moment. I felt inspired to read my patriarchal blessing again, and listen to a certain conference talk.(will share in another post)
Each day I realize more and more that I can't keep my Heavenly Father and Savior out of everything I do. The past couple weeks I've been doing a new Health Challenge. I've changed my eating habits and have been doing new exercise things. I have felt amazing. It was depressing to feel that great, and then get this sick. But as hard as it is for me to admit, eating and exercising to get the certain toned/fit body I want will not bring me true happiness. I've started having church music on all day..which that alone helps the kids and I be more patient with each other. I've tried harder to read scriptures with them during breakfast. The other day, Addy asks.."why are we reading the scriptures?..we haven't done that in a long time." Yes, thank you for reminding me:) Anyway..so I ask her where we should read, and she tells me: "nephi, when he builds the boat, and it works when he's good, and doesn't when they're being bad."
I wanted to cry. I know she didn't learn that from me. Thank you Primary teachers, who do such an amazing job at teaching our children!
I constantly need the spirit with me. I've been craving that the past couple weeks as I've started this new journey. True happiness is in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We can be as healthy and skinny and rich or whatever it is you want in this life, but it will be not bring you true happiness. I keep thinking when I look a certain way, everything else will fall into place and I'll be happy. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. But after having children and not having all the time in the world to achieve that, I've learned differently. I know when I come to HIM first, and put HIM first and show him where my true desires are, that He will help me with those other things I desire and work hard for. It will come. Our children will see what it is we focus on and spend our most time doing. I want them to hear church music, and see me reading and listening to the scriptures and conference talks. I want them to see me being patient and loving. I am SO grateful to my Heavenly Father for showing me these tender mercies yesterday and helping me see clearly. I am grateful that as the day went on, I slowly started to feel better. Chris was able to get home a little earlier and take care of the kids until bedtime. I went to sleep with peace knowing everything was going to be okay.
